Call unto Me, and I will answer thee; and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not…
Sometimes as I sit alone in my bedroom, the thought of the things that have hurt me so deeply flood my mind as if someone opened up a floodgate and let all the water pour in over my head. I think of the most recent things, which all have to do with the devastation that I experienced in my marriage. Thirteen years I endured the lack of communication, lack of intimacy, being second to others outside of our home, but the most devastating piece of information I received about my marriage was that it was being invaded by a secret enemy, and the enemy was right here in my home, under my nose: pornography.
I had a bad dream one night and went to my husband for comfort when I walked in on him performing his acts to a pornographic video. I WAS DEVASTATED. I could not believe that the husband to whom I had made marriage vows, and the man who had sired my children was sitting at our family computer watching explicit videos of other women.
That is where I believe the violation came in. I had always seen marriage as a safe place. I thought of my parents, who made sure that all of their children knew that never would either of them keep a secret from the other. They said to us, together and separately, “When our heads hit those pillows, there are no secrets between us.” So my siblings and I knew that if we didn’t want our dad to know something, we couldn’t tell our mom; and if we didn’t want our mom to know, we couldn’t tell our dad. There were no secrets between them.
I thought that every marriage worked that way. I also thought that only the worst people in the world were attracted to people other than their spouses. I remember thinking that never would I be attracted to any other man because the man that I married was all the [physical] man that I would ever need. I remember sharing with my husband one day that I would trust him with other women because I knew he would not stray. He tried to warn me not to trust him that much, and I just shrugged it off. Now I know that he was, for one of the few times in our marriage, being honest.
We have been separated now for a little more than ten months. I have lived life, struggled to keep my children on an even keel, struggled to provide and to keep myself sane, and for a while I did okay. I had a lot of people around me and they were all trying to help me to endure what I was going through. Now, many of the friends that I thought were friends have betrayed me, stopped calling, or must be sick of being around someone like me for whatever reason, because I find myself surrounded by only the few friends who have been tried and true for years. I praise God for those friends.
The thing that I am beginning to realize is that the hurt that I thought was healed months ago has begun to resurface. I guess as I grow closer to the one year mark of the separation, when I suspect that my husband will take measures to make our separation permanent, I am beginning to feel the hurt all over again. It hurts to think about him; it hurts to hear his voice on the phone. It hurts to hear the awful things that he says about me. It hurts to hear the things that his family has said about me that are not true. It hurts to look into my children’s eyes and see the pain that is caused by this situation. All of this hurts so deeply.
One thing that hurts that I didn’t even know hurt so much is the fact that someone I love very much and trusted with everything that I am has begun to “choose sides”. I asked this person not to do so; I just asked them to be careful about what they said and how much they said when they were in contact with my husband. They ignored my warning, said and did too much, and now he is using that as ammunition to try and take my children away from me. It seems like the hurt is never going to end.
When the hurt just won’t stop, what do you do? Who do you go to? I have prayed and cried and cried and prayed and talked to friends and talked to God and talked to myself ad nauseum. I don’t know what else to do to make the hurt stop. I checked a book out of the library about how to make the hurt stop. The advice in the book was just what I thought it would be: useless. Nothing seems to help.
If you happen across this post and just feel like praying, would you please pray for me? Sometimes I cannot muster up the strength to pray. Sometimes I feel like the LORD is not listening to me anymore. I know He hears, but I wonder if He LISTENS.
I am so tired. I am tired of taking care of everyone else and having no one to take care of me. I am tired of being exposed to these happily married couples and feeling like a failure. I am tired of seeing little boys hanging out with their fathers and feeling a burden for my son. I am tired of watching the cute little girls in church with their dads, when my daughters have always felt like they were a burden to their dad. I am tired of feeling uncomfortable when I see those friends that I thought were friends, who really are not my friends anymore.
When the hurt just won’t stop, what do you do?