Diary of an Unloved Homemaker

Jesus loves me, this I know…

For the Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong,

They are weak, but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me…

Yes, Jesus loves me…

Yes, Jesus loves me…

The Bible tells me so.

 

I sing these words to myself when I am so fed up with marriage that the thought of walking out fills my mind. I have poured most of my energy into making our house a home, but the betrayals that I suffer on a daily basis in my home have crushed my spirit, so much so that I find myself sitting, daydreaming about being on my own, alone, with no one to take care of but me.

I know these thoughts are not pleasing to God. I know that He placed me in this household for this season and for His purpose. I ask Him daily to give me the strength that it will take to stay in this home. I am not sure He is hearing me, and if He is, I don’t know what He is doing.

My heart is broken into a million little pieces. I am in a most miserable marriage. My marital situation makes me feel like a trapped dog. I am a homemaker, with no employment, which means very little cash flow, and I am married to a person who claims to know the Lord Jesus Christ, but walks in the spirit of the adversary, and has since we married. I recently found out that he diverted his income away from our joint checking account to another account to which I have no access. I am now limited in my ability to even feed my children. I blame myself partially for the misery in which I live; I had clues before we got married that he was not the man he claimed to be. I made the classic mistake; I heard the ticking of the clock louder than the speaking of the Spirit. I knew he wasn’t spiritually mature. I knew God was not his first priority in life, but I thought that after we got married and had a chance to be in the Word together, that all of that would change. Was I ever in for a surprise! Not only was he not interested in growing spiritually, but he wasn’t even interested in working on the marriage. The lack of communication became a huge wall in the relationship. Three children later, we are headed for divorce.

It is always my greatest desire to see marriages work out. I find my heart feeling a little heavy every time I hear that a couple has broken up, whether they are in the church or outside of the church. I hear of celebrities in the secular world breaking up and that hurts me also. I hate to hear of famous athletes and pastors alike, who abandon their wives and children, and the marriage ends in divorce. The Bible says in Malachi 2:16, ““The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,”says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.”(NIV). I hate to see marriages break up as much as God does. God says here in this passage in Malachi that the man who divorces his wife has done a terrible thing to the one that he promised to protect, and the person that I married likes to throw this verse in my face when I warn him that I plan to end the marriage. What the person I married does not acknowledge is the last portion of this verse which says “…do not be unfaithful…” God hates it when a man is unfaithful, and He hates it even more when that man is unrepentant of his unfaithfulness. When I caught the person I married (and as I am sure you have noticed by now, I do not use the term “husband” when referring to the person I married, because he has not fulfilled that role spiritually, emotionally, or mentally since we got married) being unfaithful, his response was, “Ok you caught me. Now get over it.” Mind you, I have learned a thing or two about forgiveness in this journey. I have learned that you have to forgive each other in marriage because you are both married to sinners and neither of you is going to come any where close to the glory of God that He designed for us in the garden. On the other hand, there is a uniqueness that comes with the marital relationship that you will find in no other relationship. When the marital covenant is violated, especially by the male, there is a sting of betrayal that cuts deep into the female heart. That wound takes time to heal, and during the time that I was hurting and waiting for the healing that I knew only God could give, I read many books on the subject of betrayal. One fantastic book that I read was “Every Heart Restored” by Fred and Brenda Stoeker. It chronicles Fred’s adultery, and his confession to Brenda. (Notice that I said “his confession”. Brenda did NOT find out about his indiscretions by accident or by someone else telling her about it.) After his confession, Fred made it crystal clear that he was very sorry. He walked with Brenda through the steps of healing, which were many, and he was willing to do what it took to assure her that he was repentant and would never violate their covenant again. Brenda said in the book that there were times when she was very angry, and then there were times when she was so sad that she cried for hours. When she was angry, she wanted him nowhere around. When she was sad, she longed for his comfort. He was so understanding during this period that he made himself available when she wanted him, and he disappeared when she did not.

I know those stages very well. The betrayal itself is heart wrenching, but the healing process is just as painful. It takes a long time to get over finding out that the person that you trusted above everyone else in the world has lied to you and done things right under your nose. It takes a long time to get over that. But here is the key: the offender needs to understand that he has NO ROOM for pride, and if he is really repentant, he is willing to do whatever it takes to make the situation right. If it takes apologizing on a daily basis for the next six months, he should be willing to do that. Right now, every PROUD man who may be reading this post is saying “You must be crazy.” Maybe so. I do know, however, that when a person really loves someone and knows that they have hurt that person, and they really want to remain in relationship with that person, they are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that the relationship lasts.

Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother.
I dreamed of having a husband whom I would love dearly, and who would return that love to me. I dreamed of having a husband who went off to work every day and came home to my home cooked meals. I dreamed of keeping house, making our home a comfortable place for my family to live. I dreamed of sitting in front of the fireplace in his arms, talking and laughing about our day after the children had gone to bed. I dreamed of taking family vacations and second honeymoons and shopping trips and surprise birthday parties. I dreamed of rubbing his feet and having him rub mine. I dreamed of walking on the beach in the summer, and playing in the snow in the winter. I dreamed of supporting him during the difficult times in his life, and having him hold me up during the trying times in my life. I dreamed of growing old together, watching our children get married and have children of their own, and watching our grandchildren playing in the yard. Shortly after I married this person, the dream went into cardiac arrest and died a slow, painful, lonely death.

I never knew what lonely meant until I got married. The person I married traded his day job for a night job where he works an entire twelve hours. His excuse for this was the money is better on the night shift, but I found out a few months ago that he took a different position on his job that pays less money. But the night work is necessary so that he can make more money. I stopped believing that even before I found out about the new position that pays less. I learned early in marriage that the loneliest people in the world are married people. When one person wants to work on the marriage relationship and the other person doesn’t, that can make the one who wants to work on it feel unloved and unwanted. I have felt that during the course of the marriage. I always wanted to feel wanted, for various reasons, but never did, at least not by the person to whom I am married. I am wanted all the time by persons outside of the marriage. I see now that I would have done much better had I stayed single.

As much as I want out of the marriage, the person to whom I am married has trapped me here financially. As I stated earlier, he removed all of the incoming funds from our joint account so that I could not access them. I will probably never forgive him for that. So, it is going to take me some time to get myself together financially before I can leave him. And I do plan to leave him. I just need to have a little money saved before I can do it. I know that the Lord hates divorce, but He also hates unfaithfulness. He hates lies, deceit, and betrayal. And I know one thing that He does not hate, and that is me. He loves me so much that He gave His Only begotten Son, so that I could have eternal life. He bore my weight of sin on the cross so that I would have a right to the tree of life. He bore every little sin that I have ever committed on the cross, and every sin that I will commit. I know that divorce has no bearing on my salvation. My eternity is secure.